Walking Thoughts

 Further along the river walk, venturing past the house with the tall conifers will take you up to the sports centre where I learnt swimming and Aikido, where we did a sponsored swim for charity and where we were taken for Aikido lessons so that we could, as my mother explained to the coach, defend ourselves against a grown man - my sister and I That is, as young girls. She meant my father. Of course you’d have to know that Ill intent was intended and to be being attacked to use the Aikido and I’m not even sure I learnt any . I do remember the advice to not be afraid of the knife - it’s not the knife that you’re afraid of it’s the person holding it and that’s the one thing I took away from Aikido.

 The bungalow I grew up in sat on top of an elevated perch looking down on a main road it was a busy road and there was no parking on the road because it was a big busy road opposite in a little to the left was a petrol station which also had car sales and repairs they were steps and a slope to the front door when either side of the path they were Peartrees. A Peartree in each lawn at the front of the house. every autumn we’d collect and eat the pears and now I think about it that might not have been such a good idea, living on such a busy road at a time when the petrol was leaded. From my bedroom window I’d watch the prices change at the petrol station. It always seemed to be in competition with all the other petrol stations in town and at one point, when it was 99p per gallon for petrol, it seemed like a test of nerves who would give in 1st to put it up over the £1 mark. I shared a room with my sister and I slept with a knife under my pillow for protection. The house was painted ...

 Homework  I was just thinking about the fact that if I don’t remind my child to do his homework he will forget to do it and that I should really find a way of getting him to take responsibility for doing his own homework so he doesn’t forget and I remembered how much trouble I would be in at school if I forgot to do my homework and I think that might be why I encourage him so much and do the remembering for him. when I think back now I think that I was treated as though I had not done my homework because I was in some way lazy, or had not been bothered to do it but actually I used to go to the library after school every day rather than go home and I would do my homework there as there as there is little else to do in a library, especially when you spend several hours in one  - four or five hours each day. On Wednesdays the library in my home town would be closed in the afternoon, so I could not go there after school but I also could not go home. I would use the library n...

 Amityville 2 The Rainbow Hallway was an eclectic style all of her very own. She also had pictures on the walls down near the ground about a foot or two up. they were that low down because, she said, the teddy bears had put them up. And teddy bears are not very tall. It was not when we were small children it was when I was a teenager so it wasn’t for fun with toddlers, and being a toddler at home was definitely not fun, it was because it amused her. Ironically the pictures put up on the walls by the teddy bears were the only framed pictures on the walls were there were some posters stuck on with Blu-Tack and there was the remnants of Christmas decorations in the corners but my mum has secured them with a staplegun and then of course they could not completely come down a little bits were still stuck in the ceiling. During the summer holidays from school when I was home alone each and every year from a young age it was my job to repaint the hallway with white paint. each year I could...

 Amityville The house I grew up, in the place that became known as Amityville, was not in fact a house. It was a bungalow built in the 1920s with the original fireplaces that worked if you were to use them so they’ve never been bricked up but storage heaters had been added that used electricity on the cheap nighttime rate. there was otherwise no heating in this house was often cold. single glazed metal framed windows and my mother had it painted pink. The pink was the colour of paint that used to be toxic because it contained lead or some other chemical and as a home the bungalow was toxic indeed. My parents bought it when they were in their late 20s and I was 11 months old. they were moving out of An area of London that is now densely And diversely populated. Both my parents were from poor working class London backgrounds. Both were raised in council properties; my mum in a council flat and my dad in a council house by single parents - my dad because his own dad died when he was t...

 Controllers I’ve just posted a birthday card to a friend. for many years I had almost no contact with my friends; I didn’t meet them, interact with them or indeed post birthday cards to them. So in lots of ways I was a very bad friend. when schoolmates got in touch with the new ‘friends reunited’ app it wasn’t me that fielded the emails, it was Simon. Simon was very controlling and I didn’t meet with, or have contact with my friends because of him. Of course he was using the fact that I have anxiety and need to feel safe so I keep myself Separate from others and safe, and don’t want my family to find me or find out where I am, so he used the fact that I was needing to be kept safe to exert the control that he wanted of me. and it was financial control as well, so he used all of my money to what he decided to spend it on and I simply had to go along with it. so I’d always think, ‘well, it doesn’t matter I don’t get to spend my own money anyway’, and he was violent. I remember a tim...

 It is during my 20 minute clean of the kitchen every morning, which I complete between 840 and 9 am, that I wonder why my mum could not have managed this much I have not always managed this much and but I believe I will from here on in be able to do this. each day i clear the surfaces, fill the dishwasher, load the washing machine, dust the ceiling and light fitting, Hoover and wipe all surfaces That need to be hygienic such as taps and doorhandles.