Walking Thoughts

 Starting out The first time you start out as a young person leaving home is at 16 or 18. now I know that like me someone have left 14 but it’s not official and you have to hide that. So the official step of starting out is at 18, and for me the best way of achieving it was to go to university. Naturally have it started out originally at 14 I was living with a man as my method of survival and naturally I had to leave that relationship in order to go to university. for this he beat me up. But still I got away to university and that was my way of getting away. I found a room to live in as a lodger with a single mum and her daughter. University accommodation was far too expensive for me; it would’ve cost me more than I could possibly have as an income and I would  still need to find money to eat too. So it was an impossibility.  I’d always wanted a driving license and while it would be many years before I could learn to drive I applied for my provisional driving license when...

 I ought to record here about my triage appointment with the dentist in case I don’t survive it. In October  2019 I had a checkup with the dentist and had been experiencing some sporadic pain in my top back teeth which my dentist upon examination said was not caused by my teeth but it might be my sinuses. I thought that if it was my sinuses it would be  an infection and would pass. however I was still in pain in January 2020 and I was having to hold my face to eat because of the pain. So I saw my doctor. My doctor referred me to the hospital. And the hospital reject the appointment referring me back to my dentist. By then it was April 2020 and the country was in lockdown. Naturally I could not have an appointment with my dentist until they opened up again in September 2020 so I rang them and made an appointment for a triage phone call ahead of a physical appointment in October 2020. That triage appointment never happened; I waited with my phone for the call but the call n...

 Loneliness A friend of mine wanted to do being a Samaritan listening to people on the phone who felt I need to talk to someone and they were very feeling very down or suicidal. I feel she shouldn’t do this obviously it’s a great thing to do and a great thing to want to do to help people but I was worried that he’d make things worse. In my experience talking to people when you feel down can make you feel worse because if you do not feel understood then you begin to feel very lonely and the loneliness is very depressing. My friend was quite well off you came from a privileged background and for this reason I felt that people ringing might not feel understood by him and so might then feel more lonely and more depressed and if they were ringing because they were already suicidal I didn’t think this would be a good thing. I have some examples;  A colleague at work who was complaining to me that his wife did not understand him. Aside from the fact that you’d think that sort of thin...

 Anxiety I realise that anxiety is present in all aspects of my life. I am anxious about phoning up the doctors to make an appointment to get my prescription. I am anxious about starting the car in order to drive to the doctors to collect my prescription. I don’t know if it’s true for everybody but there’s always a critical voice in my head. So if I’m chopping carrots the voice will say oh you’re not chopping them like that are you or you’re never going to throw that away when I am not and I always tell it that now I’m not unusually I say that it’s up to me they are my carrots. This voice is the voice of stupid people. It is the voice of people who are repeating something they’ve been told how something should or should not be done. The voice isn’t its own opinion it’s just an echo of opinions that are widely advertised marketed for not thought through considered personal opinion is just what people like to say is a fact you should cut it this way you should do that with it you sho...

 I woke up angry and shaking. The police were at the door. A man and I woman . They asked to be let in. I asked if they have a warrant. They did not. So of course they cannot come in. The Man then says it’s raining really hard out here. And I am shocked. And frankly bewildered. They come out without warning, in the rain, they have knocked on my door - with no warrant. These were all their choices, and not in any way instigated by me. I didn’t invite them, I wasn’t expecting them. I had no warning of their arrival.   they know they need a warrant to come in.  and I didn’t cause it to rain. and yet they turn up at my door, expecting me to answer it, and somehow this is my fault! Ridiculous bullies. So now I’m shaking with indignation. What a disgusting way to behave. And they still haven’t told me why they are there! I tell them that I was gang raped when I was 11 and that when I reported it they did not so much as take a statement. And that if they wanted the cooperation o...

 It’s a Rollercoaster of a day. This morning I was thinking that to be able to be here and support my son in the mornings before school in the afternoons after school was invaluable and that it cost me £40,000 a year it’s worth it to be here for him instead, he’s worth it. Then I started to feel down about my lack of income as I’ve been unemployed now for nine months and have had no income in that time then I spoke to the job centre and will be okay to get a benefit payment of £148 on Tuesday meaning I have just under £300 a month coming in until February, which is about 2 1/2 months away. Then I got a rejection by email for job I’ve applied for so that’s one less chance and then I found a job to apply for, followed quickly by three other jobs to apply for another 5 to 4 jobs all by 10:30 am.