On anxiety - and When home is The place you fear most
anxiousness is my feeling before the event. I felt anxious, before the surveyor from the insurance company came to assess my claim. It's the same sort of anxiety you feel before an exam. This is not anxiety the illness. the surveyor came and he did a very good job, and the visit went very well. And I was very pleased. It went much better than I feared Which reminds me that fear is ‘forever Expecting awful results’. Because things could go better than you fear, rather than as badly as you fear. But then the anxiety comes, it comes afterwards. After the man has left, after the meeting has gone well. I feel vulnerable and exposed. And the root of these feelings is almost certainly that I grew up in a home where I felt always afraid, always in danger. I was too afraid to go home. So, I used to go to the library After school, instead of going home. And I used to take shelter in a multi storey car park. But the rain would come through the gaps in the walls. So I was a school girl, but living like a homeless person. While I sheltered on the days the library was Shut. In an ideal world the therapist says, “Oh my goodness, it's a wonder you weren't raped”. And I’d say, I was - And she says, “Oh god”. So the root of my anxiety is living in a home where I am afraid. Now as an adult I was able to fix that by simply moving out when I grew up. But as a child When you ran away, And I ran away often, The police would just bring you back. They return you home, the place you most fear to be.
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