a Paige, a day Back to school

 My heart expands in my chest. Like pride, but mixed with fear and love. I watch Jonathan walk towards the bus stop until he is out of sight. To my mind, heis walk is one of courage. It is still dark, but you can tell that the mornings are getting lighter and he is dressed as his uniform. He has packed his school bag. He has made his packed lunch and he has packed his PE kit. Jonathan hates PE. Yet, he has said off in time to catch the bus with everything done on the first day back to school in January.

January is never a kind month. The mornings are dark, the skies are grey. The weather is invariably damp.

And at Jonathan’s age, Christmas is about presents and quality time with family, time to build Lego and play video games of friends.

When playing his video games Jonathan screams with laughter and you can tell he is full of joy and happiness. Even when he is shouting in apparent panic or annoyance, you know that he is having fun.

School is the opposite and absence of those things. PE lessons or gain lessons or as they ever were for teenagers everywhere punitive. Changing in the communal changing room is a trial, for boys going through puberty or have recently passed through puberty. 

But what it must be to have someone right behind you supporting you, someone who has your back someone who’s right there helping you pack your lunch in the mornings making sure you leave on time for the bus, checking you have everything you want or need. someone who watches until you’re out of sight, Who waits to see if you have caught your bus, and who is there to help if you did not .

I wonder what it must be like to have that kind of support right behind you. Would I have been better off or worse? Of course, I never noticed that I did not have that love and support. Because it was never there, I could never have missed it. Naturally, I developed independence. Will My care for my son deprive him of developing that independence? Is my care more normal for his peers, as he will fit in better not just today, but going forward in the future.?

For I feel that some of the reason I am not like my peers is that they did have these things, and that they know no different and that they cannot conceive of any different. I know my friends at school at breakfast before school, and I did not. I stayed round of friends once, and her mother was still there at breakfast time, and it was great to be able to have breakfast. Was all breakfast and worry about leaving so early when in fact we were leaving later than I normally would. I Can now see this through the mothers eyes. For me if I were that mother, I would never be thinking. Oh that’s good my daughter actually has it easier so I’m doing a good job. That particular friend I did not hear back from after we left for university, but for a mutual friend she was described as ‘becoming an alcoholic’. This could’ve been normal student behaviour, or she could’ve developed a problem. Perhaps I’m only cuddling at home, and she tried less hard at university. Or perhaps it was the first year, and she like many others put that year into socialising, building friendships. Where as I put mine into study. 

I did gain friendships and I still have those friends today some 30 years later. You getting the friends that suits the way you are so it’s not necessary to fit in with the drinking and partying culture in order again friendships. These may indeed not be the types of friends that suit you.

However, in adult hood most people were the type that spent one year partying, and two years getting a degree. And it feels like most people have some kind of family support system that they take for granted. They take it so much for granted, in fact that they do not consider it privilege or extra help. This is one of the things lead to my loneliness. A woman at work has children much the same age as mine. So naturally, we have things in common, and it would seem natural that we would be friends. So I am always friendly and chatty with her, because we have so much in common. In particular, she has mentioned how difficult it is doing it all on your own as she has no extra help. As a single mum of no family, I agreed. However, it turned out. This woman has a husband and parents. I cannot understand then what she means by no extra help.