Therapy

 

So when I’ve been for therapy, they’ve always wanted to know why am there and what it is I want to get out of the therapy. And I’ve always told them that I am there to be treated for being raped as a little girl when I was getting raped by six men that broke into the house while my parents were at work during the school holidays. And for growing up in the house with violence and the School with the cat poo everywhere and all the piles of dirty plates and if anyone ever saw inside the house they would comment because we didn’t have carpets or wallpaper which was common at the time in the 1970s and 1980s. People still have carpet all laminate flooring these days, but I don’t so much have wallpaper. Central heating and the kitchen wasn’t fitted. It was standalone unit without cupboards just shelves. And it was cold. And I was often hungry.

And I find that I hide from life and find ways of avoiding living my life and not what I want to get out of therapy is to be able to undertake those things in my life that are ambitions of mine but which I am too afraid to do. And a lot of it stems from the rape neglect growing up and just how terrified I was between the ages of 11 and 18 while I continue to live in that house as a child following the never felt safe in there and I was spending a lot of time I was alone and I checked behind the furniture and behind the curtains and if I left the rum at all, but then had to recheck everywhere before I could sit down and make sure I was safe and I wasn’t hiding in there. So unable to travel want to do obviously you’re going somewhere unknown definition that would be the point. And by it being unknown, can’t know who is in there if you’re alone if you’re safe where to go to be safe if you don’t feel safe. So I’ve been unable to undertake the travelling. And that has also curtailed my career which might also require you to travel to places that you’ve never been to before to meet people you’ve never met before and to undertake tasks and a different place like an office a client site or a meeting room or a venue or a conference. And I can’t do it.

So with the therapy, what I want to do is heal the wound occurred with the gang rape and the lifetime of fear so that I can then move on. I think the reason I can’t do anything as I’ve not yet mended that wound. Like a broken leg, if it doesn’t, it’s still broken you can’t walk on it but once it has healed and the bone has mended. Then walk on it. So I want to heal the wound so that I can go onto live my life, which I’m unable to live.

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