Walking Thoughts

 Further along the river walk, venturing past the house with the tall conifers will take you up to the sports centre where I learnt swimming and Aikido, where we did a sponsored swim for charity and where we were taken for Aikido lessons so that we could, as my mother explained to the coach, defend ourselves against a grown man - my sister and I That is, as young girls. She meant my father. Of course you’d have to know that Ill intent was intended and to be being attacked to use the Aikido and I’m not even sure I learnt any . I do remember the advice to not be afraid of the knife - it’s not the knife that you’re afraid of it’s the person holding it and that’s the one thing I took away from Aikido.

 The bungalow I grew up in sat on top of an elevated perch looking down on a main road it was a busy road and there was no parking on the road because it was a big busy road opposite in a little to the left was a petrol station which also had car sales and repairs they were steps and a slope to the front door when either side of the path they were Peartrees. A Peartree in each lawn at the front of the house. every autumn we’d collect and eat the pears and now I think about it that might not have been such a good idea, living on such a busy road at a time when the petrol was leaded. From my bedroom window I’d watch the prices change at the petrol station. It always seemed to be in competition with all the other petrol stations in town and at one point, when it was 99p per gallon for petrol, it seemed like a test of nerves who would give in 1st to put it up over the £1 mark. I shared a room with my sister and I slept with a knife under my pillow for protection. The house was painted ...

 Homework  I was just thinking about the fact that if I don’t remind my child to do his homework he will forget to do it and that I should really find a way of getting him to take responsibility for doing his own homework so he doesn’t forget and I remembered how much trouble I would be in at school if I forgot to do my homework and I think that might be why I encourage him so much and do the remembering for him. when I think back now I think that I was treated as though I had not done my homework because I was in some way lazy, or had not been bothered to do it but actually I used to go to the library after school every day rather than go home and I would do my homework there as there as there is little else to do in a library, especially when you spend several hours in one  - four or five hours each day. On Wednesdays the library in my home town would be closed in the afternoon, so I could not go there after school but I also could not go home. I would use the library n...

 Amityville 2 The Rainbow Hallway was an eclectic style all of her very own. She also had pictures on the walls down near the ground about a foot or two up. they were that low down because, she said, the teddy bears had put them up. And teddy bears are not very tall. It was not when we were small children it was when I was a teenager so it wasn’t for fun with toddlers, and being a toddler at home was definitely not fun, it was because it amused her. Ironically the pictures put up on the walls by the teddy bears were the only framed pictures on the walls were there were some posters stuck on with Blu-Tack and there was the remnants of Christmas decorations in the corners but my mum has secured them with a staplegun and then of course they could not completely come down a little bits were still stuck in the ceiling. During the summer holidays from school when I was home alone each and every year from a young age it was my job to repaint the hallway with white paint. each year I could...

 Amityville The house I grew up, in the place that became known as Amityville, was not in fact a house. It was a bungalow built in the 1920s with the original fireplaces that worked if you were to use them so they’ve never been bricked up but storage heaters had been added that used electricity on the cheap nighttime rate. there was otherwise no heating in this house was often cold. single glazed metal framed windows and my mother had it painted pink. The pink was the colour of paint that used to be toxic because it contained lead or some other chemical and as a home the bungalow was toxic indeed. My parents bought it when they were in their late 20s and I was 11 months old. they were moving out of An area of London that is now densely And diversely populated. Both my parents were from poor working class London backgrounds. Both were raised in council properties; my mum in a council flat and my dad in a council house by single parents - my dad because his own dad died when he was t...

 Controllers I’ve just posted a birthday card to a friend. for many years I had almost no contact with my friends; I didn’t meet them, interact with them or indeed post birthday cards to them. So in lots of ways I was a very bad friend. when schoolmates got in touch with the new ‘friends reunited’ app it wasn’t me that fielded the emails, it was Simon. Simon was very controlling and I didn’t meet with, or have contact with my friends because of him. Of course he was using the fact that I have anxiety and need to feel safe so I keep myself Separate from others and safe, and don’t want my family to find me or find out where I am, so he used the fact that I was needing to be kept safe to exert the control that he wanted of me. and it was financial control as well, so he used all of my money to what he decided to spend it on and I simply had to go along with it. so I’d always think, ‘well, it doesn’t matter I don’t get to spend my own money anyway’, and he was violent. I remember a tim...

 It is during my 20 minute clean of the kitchen every morning, which I complete between 840 and 9 am, that I wonder why my mum could not have managed this much I have not always managed this much and but I believe I will from here on in be able to do this. each day i clear the surfaces, fill the dishwasher, load the washing machine, dust the ceiling and light fitting, Hoover and wipe all surfaces That need to be hygienic such as taps and doorhandles.

 A 30 minute walk and the two Great Danes A 30 minute walk is 15 minutes walk away from the house and then 15 minutes back. my son, who is 10, suggested I go under the bridge and turn right, as he and his friends have been that way, and that I could walk for 15 minutes and then turn back on myself, so completing my 30 minute walk This I did. I walk down the road under the bridge, turn right and for 15 minutes I followed the Footpath. after three minutes I checked my watch. I realised it said the same time as last time I checked it, so I had checked my watch twice within one minute. the walk is a narrow, secluded, isolated footpath that goes around the edge of the quarry and I didn’t feel safe. I know that I can’t tell my son why I don’t feel safe and I’m glad that he has so much innocence that he recommended the walk to me but there I was walking alone in an isolated spot, going against all the advice ever given to women not to walk alone, not to walk alone in isolated places, and ...

 A teacher that cares My first headmistress noticed that I was at best neglected. And while she didn’t do much, she gave me a comb with my name scratched into it by her and some secondhand clothes. So that I could comb my hair and that I wouldn’t look so scruffy. and this is a very practical approach without any other intervention. Yet neglect is the best way one could describe the situation, and I had many more brutal years of childhood ahead of me. they make all the difference though these teachers and there is a strength and confidence I got from some of the teachings that that School and her lesson that with friends like that who needs enemies.

 The small minded women To be a witness support volunteer in the Crown Court of Manchester I was trained by the police in Manchester at their headquarters and my victim support. This cohort of volunteers are all trying together and one of the things we asked is what did we think was the main cause of house burglaries. I thought it was opportunity people would steal if they saw an opportunity to steal such as an open window something valuable like money close behind the window and open door possibly an easy victim. All of the older women chimed together, ‘drugs’, they all said it was caused by drugs.

 The murder A very long trial while I was serving as a witness support volunteer in Manchester Crown Court was a murder A number of men dressed all in black and all wearing balaclavas, and all carrying shotguns had entered the pub and shot someone in there. It was very deliberate and most likely revenge and probably gang-related, possibly drug related. The pub had CCTV. The shooting was filmed it was caught on camera all three men caught on camera the dead man caught on camera It was a very clear case; a man had been shot, three men shot him, it was filmed by the CCTV. and yet this trial went on for many, many weeks. it’s a serious charge, the people convicted for it will serve serious time but it did seem unnecessarily laborious. so, for example, a man was asked if he had a tattoo on his arm and he will also show his arm to the court, which he gleefully did. There was no tattoo there . he was asked if he’d ever had a tattoo on the arm, which he cannot have done as there was also n...

The Victims In a court of law the victims of the crimes cannot be called victims for it is prejudicial to the process of the court for them to be so called. I met a man who had been the victim of a machete attack he had a large scars all over his body where they had sewn him back together. he showed us the scars. I met a woman who had been gang raped. her statement was 14 pages long and each and every defendant - each and every rapist had their own defence lawyer. she was to be questioned, cross-examined by six separate defence barristers, each one defending the rapist that was their client. each one whose purpose and job it was to tear her down and prove that she was a liar, and it was not their client at all, at best, or it was the other five and not him therefore he can go, and ultimately if all five are found to have reasonable doubt that it wasn’t him and not the other five and  all ultimately be acquitted. it would seem perhaps that it’s safe it’s a rapists to act in gangs, a...

 A decently married woman I heard this term while I was working as a volunteer victim support as a witness support volunteer. I was working at the Crown Court in Manchester I was supporting victims of crime who would come to give evidence in the court most of the volunteers were older women. When I think back now on the phrase ‘a decently married woman’ used by one of them while talking to the other, as they spent some of their time there gossiping, and the other woman murmured agreement. I realise now that there is much prejudice and small-mindedness.  What does recently married woman mean? what does it imply?  Does it imply that women who aren’t married are not decent.  does it imply complaint on the part of the person saying the phrase that they had to be married and they would rather not have been, and they justify that by saying ‘decent’ for being married ? is it a victim statement? ‘decently married woman’, so held in defiance as a sort of shield against those ...

 Homelessness So are watching a street cat named Bob. in at a homeless man is depicted as busking with his guitar who gets a flat to live in by him self with hot water and a separate bathroom separate living room and kitchen and immediately this all seems very unlikely. what it does is it gives the impression that homeless people can look after something as delicate as a guitar and not have it damaged - he’s not even got it in a hardcase in the film , That it won’t be stolen while he sleeps, they won’t lose it when he stayed in a hostel, that it won’t be broken by children on the bus. it gives the impression the homeless people can hope to be handed a flat all to themselves cells with  hot running water and a social worker will give them milk and cereals while this is more than even the working can hope , for especially a young man he is in his early 20s .  those people earning a decent wage in their 20s might be able to afford oa shared home . so homelessness is vastly b...

 We have talked before about sex as currency. sex is the only currency a child has. they have no money . they have no way of getting a job to earn money. they have no other resources. they have nothing to sell . sex is their only currency. and we’ve talked about frugality and living very cheaply, living of a little money. and we’ve talked about the abuse at home and the lack of parental support or any other support and so the need to live cheaply that ultimately lead to an ability. what I’ve not really covered, I don’t think is what can be earned as a child by having sex with grown men. Food shelter and not a few beatings and rates some clothes and ultimately just a journey forwards and it’s not an easy part of life I guess it’s simply a necessary one for children with no other resource.  So fire is bought by working hard working 2,3,4 jobs a day, living very cheaply and possibly by selling what ever you can at what ever point of life you find yourself in to keep moving forwar...

 On frugality I learnt to be frugal from a very young age I was simply always poor. I was frugal as a young child from the age of about 7 to keep myself fed in the absence of parental care. I was frugal as a young adult going away to university as well of course as working as much as I could to pay to put myself through university because I had no parental support or any other financial support because the abuse and neglect of childhood meant that I needed therapy and that going to university was a means of getting the therapy I needed and so I had to live very cheaply and very simply at University .mI could not afford to go to live in the halls of residence or any other university student accommodation with other students, I needed to go to university to get the therapy and I knew that I’d have a better chance of getting a job if I had a degree so I needed to go but I couldn’t afford a student lifestyle. instead I took lodgings and walked to university from the lodgings. sometimes...

 Fire 2 It was an accident but in my early 20s not only did I pay off my mortgage hand over fist and live very frugally but also paid into a pension even during the hardest times. I paid into a pension from my early 20s and until the day I stopped work at 47. 25 years of pension paid in consistently from a young age is I hope how I will fire because my fire with the frugal living in the savings the savings will take me to 55 and at 55 I will apply for my pension and it will be reduced because I stop paying in early and because I’m applying for it Young . but richness is relative and if I have a live comfortably until I’m 55 on way less money than you get on  benefits or universal credit then a small pension but it’s reduced because I stopped early and retired young will still be enough. so we continue with the trick that is the truth to be happy . happiness is definitely the trick and happiness is a girl if you’re happy. And if you’re happy I would say you don’t need financial...

 Fire financial independence retire early  It was an accident but during my 20s I worked two jobs; a daytime job and an evening job. from 8 am until 5 pm I would work in a laboratory, from 6 pm till 10 pm I will work at the truckstop. I had a small flat that cost £260 a month to rent and I never used any heating or light. I’d have a light on in one room, the room I was using or go to bed. So I lived a more natural day night cycle with longer days in the summer and shorter days in the winter. I use the bicycle to cycle down to the nearest shop and I’d walk to work so I’d maybe use the car once a week to get to the supermarket, until they were such things as deliveries which was cheaper than driving to the supermarket  - so I started having my food delivered. On the coldest days I would use the heating for one hour for heating and hot water to take the edge off the cold in the house, to stop it freezing, to avoid an expensive problem like damaged pipes for example and I tak...

 Living with bipolar disorder I like the depiction of David the nurse in Holby or casualty, who has bipolar disorder. it does not remind me of mum, and is not like mum, or her bipolar disorder - but I guess they are all different. what I liked about it is that he was showing Ramona that he uses white noise headphones when he’s out for his run . when I go out for my walk I think more clearly And it’s useful for my mental health, but with David he needed the white noise so as he wouldn’t hear all the other noises while out for his run. and what i liked is how he would look normal to people he was running past, people who saw him running because they would  just think he was listening to music (as surely everyone wearing headphones is listening to music while they’re running), so you can’t see his - I won’t call it a disability - you can’t see his difference or condition, it’s as though he is ‘normal’, and I liked the depiction of things that people do in order to keep yourself a...

anxiousness is my feeling before the event. I felt anxious, before the surveyor from the insurance company came to assess my claim. It's the same sort of anxiety you feel before an exam. This is not anxiety the illness. the surveyor came and he did a very good job, and the visit went very well. And I was very pleased. It went much better than I feared  Which  reminds me that fear is ‘forever Expecting awful results’. Because things could go better than you fear, rather than as badly as you fear. But then the anxiety comes, it comes afterwards. After the man has left, after the meeting has gone well. I feel vulnerable and exposed. And the root of these feelings is almost certainly that I grew up in a home where I felt always afraid, always in danger. I was too afraid to go home. So, I used to go to the library After school, instead of going home. And I used to take shelter in a multi storey car park. But the rain would come through the gaps in the walls. So I was a school girl,...

 Communication comes in a number of forms  The most obvious is verbal so communication, in words; even that has some subsets; the spoken word, the written word; typed or handwritten. And within themselves they each represent a communication within,  so a formal I letter from the bank would be typed, not handwritten. very formal documents are hard copy typed. less formal documents might be electronic typed while the style of handwriting might infer further not just that it is hand written and so friendly but the style of the handwriting might tell you something about what is being communicated as well as the words themselves.  communication makes things easier; if people communicate there is better understanding and life is easier if people understand what is going on - you have communicated with them and it’s easier for them. There are non-verbal forms of communicationWhich again helps people understand what is going on and life is easier when people understand what ...