Walking Thoughts

 Eulogy Ann, or mum as I knew her, was 64 years old. She was born in 1946, soon after the end of the Second World War. like many at the time she grew up in a multi-generational household. she lived with her mum and her grandparents. later she and her mum were given a council flat in Elm Park and at that point her dad joined them, and the three of them then lived together as a family until mum moved out and married in 1967, just before her 21st birthday. Ann had a curious mind and she hoped to have done more travelling than she did. when she was 17 she travelled to Norway to meet with her pen friend Torill, the name she later gave me, and she didn’t do much more foreign travel after that despite wanting to feed her curiosity. but I did take it to Spain for three days, most of which was spent travelling there as we took the ferry, just a few years ago before she died. She was a very active and creative person. once her children had reached school age she went back to work full time w...

 My story is not Unusual So perhaps it might resonate with you. I’m an ordinary person fall into ordinary family I grew up in Essex in a rundown two bedroom bungalow with four people living at no central heating is electric storage heating and no one at home after school or at holidays. The walls with a late lunch with School the latchkey kid I was what I later learned was called like a kid and of course my life was normal to me. I don’t consider unusual but I have since mated with a man who is the father of a child that does. He also appears to have double standards. and you can’t explain why he has a double stairs so he tells me that his wife once did not have sex again for a year so he told her that something has to change and I presume that something did. and yet it has been a whole year since you had sex with me until I told him if he’s own definition that something had to change the then something has to changed. Right now he’s made a set of rules having stated as a rules he ...

 Skipping rope At primary school I had a skipping rope it was a length of orange rope bought from a hardware store and my mum had cut this piece of rope off and then use a candle to see all the ends with wax. so I took the Rope to school and used it at playtime. one of my friends School said to me, ‘oh that’s a nice skipping rope’ and I offered to let her hold it and she refused. and now I realise that actually back then children liked skipping ropes that were bought from the shops with Nice wooden painted handles and of course this was the start of the 1980s when materialism became very important to people and so of course my friend didn’t want to touch my home-made skipping rope

 While I was at primary school we learnt the words to songs from the musical Joseph and his technicolour dream coat. I took in particular to one particular song it was ‘close every door to me’ and it goes ‘ close every door to me keep those I love from me, darken my daytime and torture my nights, for I know I will find my own peace of mind, for I have been promised a land of my own. ‘ and this song resonated with me and it still does, I used to sing it all of the time. I felt like that person kept in darkness, kept with bars on the windows and the daylight blocked and, if I’d had anyone who loved me, kept from those that love me. this song told me that one day I would arrive at a place that I deserved, a place of happiness, of love. this song kept me going all the way through my teenage years, my 20s. At counselling I was asked where did I derive my strength from ,I’m such a strong person to have been through every thing I have, where did that strength come from? and I said it was ...

 Going to the structure a beginning a middle and an end or begin with the end and then go through the beginning middle and end in the beginning memories and what I would become more not knowing what I would become on the middle eight escape and they hardship and wrench of escape the buildup on the climb and a set of achievements which help me feel more valid and arrival and release memories in the hospital where my thumbs are corrected and the balloon incident but but the earliest memories that are relevant or where and how we lived and I don’t actually have memories include my dad I have memories include my mum and the house the plastic lino at the very early sense of responsibility and deprivation and require deprivation and hunger and hardship brown plastic floor tiles seem to come to mine a lot as to being punched in the head and being hungry Jealousy of us at School who had things to keep them warm in the cold weather and a snack to eat at snacktime and a determination to be a...

 Back garden Obviously the garage at the bottom of the back garden is one of the places I was raped by the men who broke in that day when I was 11. I have been dragged through the nettles to the bottom of the garden and in that garage my parents kept an old mattress on which I was raped by these men. I was held down at this point by only one other man as some of the others had already scarpered. It is in here that my sister joined in with her boyfriend, throwing things and laughing as I was raped. One  of the main things I remember about the garden is that my mother went on a open University course to study psychology. She learnt that one of the ways to find out how close a person feels to their family is to ask them to picture themselves at home and ask where they are and which room are they in, where are they at home when they picture them selves at home. I don’t have known the meaning when she asked me this question, ‘picture yourself at home and tell me where you are’, and...

 My parents bedroom I just about never ventured into this room. I can remember being in it twice. once when I was being raped and held down spreadeagled, stripped gang raped. and once going in when I was very young during the day; my mother had taken on looking after a baby and I went into this room, so waking the baby and obviously got the wrath of my mother as a result. I’m sure I’ve said before that my mother used to beat me with the carpet beater and my father with a slipper or a shoe or a belt. Now that I’m  talking about it I remember also going into this room to bring my mother bread or toast and butter that she required after her naps. all of this would’ve been before I was at school age so maybe about three or four as I was born in June so I would’ve started school at four and a bit, so at most four. I Couldnt always do it right  - getting the toast and the butter and the jam on in the right order and she’d  be disappointed with my efforts and so of course I...

 More hallway The hallway or corridor of the bungalow was the space that my parents used for their punch-ups. they’d roll around punching each other as I guess it was the largest available space in the house.  Not that it was a big space just that other than the fridge in the wardrobes there was nothing else in it, with it being the thoroughfare.

 More kitchen - the living room In the kitchen is where all the food was prepared. I would make cups of tea and wonder if my mum and dad would simply die of thirst rather than make themselves a cup of tea as They always wanted one but never got up to make one. It Is in his kitchen that I prepared bananas and custard for my mum and dad and I find that they actually wanted it hot but I wasn’t to know I chopped  bananas and added custard and served it I didn’t know that the custard was meant to be hot. To their credit they did eat it, but not until after they had complained and so the damage was already done. I hated all the food I ate in this house although after school home alone I would often invent things in the kitchen to eat making up concoctions from what I could find here or steal from the supermarket. Otherwise my mother always cooked although I did prefer it when dad cooked, which was rare, but happened and he’d usually do faggots and chips. Which was much, much better,...

 The Kitchen We may as well continue down into the kitchen. For a large part of my childhood this was a room in which freestanding appliances stood. Not the washing machine, because that was in the shed outside as was the chest freezer. In here there was what we called the soap cupboard in which the hot water heater stood it’s an immersion heater it’s electric and switch it on you switch the switch onto the wall and switch it off and switch it off at the wall so you have to remember to switch it on and off or else it heats up forever and as far as I can tell it turns to steam and comes out the pipe at the side of the house at the top near the guttering. The soap cupboard contains soap and bin bags and general toot. and there is a little bit of a table in the corner; Not like a dining table or table you can sit at, or anything but generally a place for toot to gather. on the floor there is a black bin bag the size of a normal dustbin bag, that was the bin and that the newspaper on t...

 The dining room One of the things I hated about the house is the fact that the bathroom was immediately in front of the front door with the toilet immediately in line with the front door so with the bathroom door open you see the toilet as the first thing As you came into the house. So that is step one on our journey through the house. on your left is a door into the dining room.  In here was the round table and bookcase on which stood Arthur Mead encyclopaedias. these were clearly instructional moral Christian books in which  the pages with the entry for alcohol saying that you should be doing sports not looking up alcohol, which was not much use to me when doing my biology homework for school.  in this room there is a big cupboard which stored pretty much everything set into one of the alcoves beside the fireplace, which of course was a working fireplace although it was not often lit, serving instead to provide cold and a draft only . The windows with the blackber...

 That last bit where I say why wouldn’t we want a relationship why wouldn’t we want to be sharing your day. Reminded me when I realised that my child, who was in nursery so I can go to work, wasn’t some kind of parcel  - he was a person and there was more to consider then just where to put him while I was working because he had feelings to consider too. I remember saying as much to my line manager at work that I realised that there is more to it than just finding the right place to put a special kind of parcel that you’re dealing with a person. And this relationship between myself and my child obviously came unexpectedly and I presume now that I’ve said the last post on not wanting to wake up but doing so in order to be with my child even though he is old enough to look after himself, I realise that the feeling that the child is a special kind of parcel and then realising that he is not must come from the relationship I had with my own parents or if you like their relationship...

 I so didn’t want to wake up today I was very tired and wanted to stay in bed my alarm went off and I didn’t want to open my eyes but I have to because my child needs to be ready for school in the morning other than that I’m completely unemployed. So up I get and I wash a little and get dressed and find something yellow for him to wear to school as I found out at three in the morning that I need something yellow and a pound for School and that he is having his flu vaccine today to go downstairs and I tell him is he wearing blue and yellow. later I’ll have to put the blue things away for him to wear on Monday. .The bit I said here I lay there wishing that he be able to get myself up and make his own breakfast to make his own lunch and see himself off as I would’ve done. I’m not sure why my mother thought it was better that she set off for work leaving me in the house alone to get up and get myself off to School then it would’ve been to see me off as much for her as for me and my wel...

 Stained windows Today for the first time I noticed the stained-glass windows at the back of the church looking at it from the outside. I thought to myself the people building the church weren’t thinking of God when they built it as there is no tall steeple or Spire or any pointy bit pointing upwards towards the heavens. the church is low, it is shaped like a cross as churches are, but it’s close to the ground so it’s more of a homely church and less of an inspirational Godly church. More of the church for the people in the church for God. I’ve seen the stained-glass windows before of course, from inside the church, just never noticed them walking past from behind the church. I don’t often go into churches as I was raised by a Quaker. quakers famously say that  ‘I cannot contribute to the building of a steeple or steeple house, but I can contribute to the tearing down of one’. Which is odd because in theory Quakers believe everyone is equal so they would not look down upon ano...

 Tired mums I think that single mums escaping domestic violets are in a particularly difficult situation. I could not take maternity leave because as a single mum maternity pay did not cover the rent so I had to work. It is possible that as I was renting a home that they would’ve been top up benefits available to a single mum on nothing else but maternity pay to help cover the cost of the rent However this was complicated by the fact I owned a house too are and for that reason I believe I would not have been eligible for housing benefit to put a roof over mine and my babies head as it would’ve been seen that I had home. However I could not use that home because I was escaping a violent partner. All of this combined of course with postnatal depression meant that the only course of action seem to be available was to work full time and pay full-time childcare and pay my rent. Full-time childcare cost me half of my income so I then had to pay my rent and all my bills on half a salary a...

 Children who take responsibility It seems unfair on a child to not know that the parents are the ones meant to take the responsibility. A Child has no resources and yet there are all these demands that they’re expected to meet, so they’re expected to provide pens for school and expected to find a new dentist when the dentist  tells them They can’t see them anymore, they’re expected to find a way into the house when they’ve lost their front door key, and they do all these things alone without any adult or even a second child around just them selves to sort them self out and it seems unfair on the children from the age of 7 to be responsible for looking after the money, so I can buy breakfast, looking after the front door key, catching a train walking to school, Explaining the loss of their uniform hat to the headmistress because it was stolen from them on the train and thrown out of the train window, finding an alternative way home if the trains are stopped, delayed or cancell...

 It seems to me that as a child I was Ahead of my time.  Every morning and wake up and wash and dress and make a cup of tea. I’ve put the tea into old margarine tub so that I could use it as a carry out when I walk to the station to catch the train to School. I was seven years old so this was 1979 long before coffee shops in Starbucks and people commuting to work giant cups of coffee so I believe I was ahead of my time. It was a miles walk to the station Which would take me 20 or 30 minutes with my little legs and I’d catch the train at 7:47 in the morning and then at the other end and walk to the school arriving around 830 then wait in the playground for School to open. I’d eat walnuts off the ground that had fallen from the tree that grows over the playground, cracking them open  with my teeth and often I’d  search for somewhere to have a wee because by then, as I’ve been travelling since 715 and I got into School at 9 am, I needed a wee but there was no where. I’d...