Walking Thoughts

 Maternity leave My baby is now 11 years old. I took 13 weeks off when I had him. We used to go swimming and to baby massage and to stay and play. There was another mum at the swimming who used to talk quite a lo. she talked about returning to work and about the conditions she asked for in returning to work  - she wanted return part time, is not something I could afford to do. and she talked about what She liked to go after swimming. she like to go somewhere that she could get some lunch and a beer. I am, right this minute nearly a full 11 years later, wondering if she was suggesting we should go for a beer together. And if this is the case how much am am I supposed  to know  the difference between someone telling me information about themselves and someone inviting me with them? because if I go oh yes that sounds nice I think I was well I’ve invited myself along and I personally would hate that if I had to put up with somebody taking along so I wanted to do alone.

 Run the dishwasher twice Don’t get hung up on arbitrary rules that make you unable to do something because it supposed to be done in a particular way. Do you whatever it takes to get through the day and do whatever it takes to make it possible to do the things you want to do. If you can’t bring yourself to stand up to shower, and so are going around dirty but you want to be clean and it would make you feel better to be clean then shower sitting on the ground. If you can’t bring yourself to go on a date because you have so much baggage in your life that you have to explain too much on the first date so you just don’t go at all, then only talk about the weather Or pop music. You don’t have to give him your life story on your first date. Don’t Build up huge walls or barriers to doing small things or things that will bring you joy find small ways to do the things that will bring you joy. It might help to pick to yourself telling a therapist your problem and seeing what they say. You w...

 Irene 3 Visiting Irene. Irene invited me to visit her at her home. I had not seen any member of my family for many years and Irene was one person I missed and she was the hardest person to have no contact with. but I always felt that if she knew where I was she’d feel obliged to tell my mum where I was and obviously I had to keep myself safe. So it was a great sadness that I had no contact with Irene. So when Irene invited me for a cup of tea and a piece of cake I agreed. I knew mum would be there and I didn’t feel that I minded, after all what harm can come from tea and cake? So I drove out to see Irene. I had a little accident in my car on the way, tearing off a wing mirror. But I continued on anyway. I think this is more out of obligation because you said you do something so you do it than out of a sort of determination despite damaging the car.  I had already done my grieving years before when I had to leave my family so it didn’t feel of any consequence to see them now. ...

 Irene 1 Holding hands with Irene.  Irene was my mother’s aunt, but I saw her as my aunt too. I was visiting Irene one day after work. She cooked me a little tea and we talked. She talked about things that mattered to her; about the blitz, about her father coming to her graduation as a midwife, about Heidi, and Babs - and her new kitchen :). We held hands at the table as she talked.  I am glad we had that time.

 Irene I was at work when I received an email from my mum which simply said in the subject line ‘Harold stammers’ and then in the body of the text ‘has died’. Now, I did not get on with my mothers husband Harold, and so for her to send me an email telling me that he has died meant that it was important to her. so important that knowing that I did not get on with Harold she still chose to email me about it. and this indicated to me that she was in need of support. I drove straight to Southampton from Peterborough immediately that day. That minute. Such was my rush and I got stuck with the lift being maintained that Gary made it to the bottom of the stairs before I did  on foot and he gave me his satnav from his car to make sure I made it to Southampton at all. When I got there mum was on the phone with the Samaritans. she was at a very low point. So of course I had to stay. While I was at mums I tried to call her aunt Irene in order to tell Irene that tim had died. From my pers...

 I am very moved by the plight of immigrants; those that undertake perilous journeys to flee their homes for a safer place. I imagine people living where bombs are dropping and houses are destroyed and on fire and friends, family and neighbours are being killed and running away from that. My own experience of fleeing is not from anything so terrifying as that image of war. However in order to keep myself safe I have fled and restarted my life from nothing in strange places with no money, no job, no friends and no family when I had arrived. And I have done this twice.  I have fled to Cambridgeshire From Essex and Manchester and in my case it was not necessary to flee my country, just my county. I had the advantage of knowing the language and the currency, and so that facilitated my ability to look for work and accommodation. When I first fled I was a young woman and it was before the Internet. I was moving to somewhere strange where I knew no one and had nothing, so in order to...

 One of the things that happens with neglected and abused children is that other adults fill the void. But these adults have their own agenda and it is not the best interests of or care of the child. They have sexual interests or moneymaking interests. But these are the people whose hands you fall into once both the police and any other authority approached, in my case Childline, simply fail you. I approached other authorities in addition to the police and I said I need to defend myself even though I was a child. and I did try other avenues - I spoke to the citizens advice bureau, the Samaritans, the school as well as the police and Childline. even the local Red Cross hut knew that I have been raped and I was a child. But still it is entirely 100% down to the child to cope with this themselves and to deal with the consequences of having no family and yet having to meet all of societies criteria such as attending school in providing themselves with clothes and food. some of the peop...

 They often talk about controlling relationships about people that seek to control their partners. That control them with violence and threats and with psychological bullying but also with their needs by meeting the needs when they need stem from somewhere but needs to be kept hidden. I needed to keep myself safe. I was not safe at home with my mum and her husband. As he would sexually assault me and they both lied to the police but he did not sexually assault me so he could continue to sexually assault me and my mother supported him in that. So to keep myself safe I had to move away and I had to keep my location secret from them.  to keep my location secret from them I then had to keep my location secret from every other member of my family and all of my friends. They were great losses there was bereavement for these losses for people that still lived with whom I could not have contact. I greaved for the living. The loss of friends was of great sadness to me. and the loss of ...

 Shame sexual assault is very shaming for the victim especially when they are made to feel that they are guilty and especially when they are made to feel that they had no right to complain when they are dismissed by the police or family or told not to be so silly about their claims or asked to prove that they were assaulted or asked if they were asking for it in someway, such as when I was merely  11 and yet the police asked me if I had been wearing knickers. clearly it is implied that if I had not been then gang raping a child is my fault.  I have found that therapists often misunderstand or misinterpret shame. they tell me that I mustn’t feel ashamed because it wasn’t my fault and I did nothing wrong . But these are not the reasons I feel shame; the experience of being raped of being stripped naked, pinned down spreadeagled, of having several men rape you, penetrate you, of being raped anally of having objects inserted into you, pushed up inside you are shaming actions....

Grieving for the living I needed to keep myself safe. I was not safe at home with my mum and her husband. As he would sexually assault me and they both lied to the police but he did not sexually assault me so he could continue to sexually assault me and my mother supported him in that. So to keep myself safe I had to move away and I had to keep my location secret from them.  To keep my location secret from them I then had to keep my location secret from every other member of my family and all of my friends. They were great losses. there was bereavement for these losses for people that still lived but with whom I could not have contact. I grieved for the living. The loss of friends was of great sadness to me. and the loss of my aunts was a great sadness to me. one of my aunts died without my ever seeing her again.  Tim had a habit of touching me he would come up behind me and put his arms around me and go, “hmm, if only I was 20 years younger “ and I would elbow him. but he wou...

 Mum and mean men Mum always used to complain about how tight dad was. it seems that perhaps she  did marry a man like her father, as she considered her father to be mean too; they fell out badly when Nan needed to be buried as grandad would not contribute anything to the funeral, and mum said, ‘I hope I die before him so I get to use the grave and not him!’. but later in life and towards her own end mum seem to have forgiven her dad And laughed it off as, ‘well he was just mean’. But she did not forgive my dad, complaining bitterly That when she went to buy a ream of typing paper so that she could follow her hobby of writing books while she was a stay at home mum that he had been withdrawn exactly that amount of money out of the housekeeping, to give the cost of a ream of writing paper less for the shopping.

 In the office My first proper job was working for a bank in the city. I worked with two or three other people; Ian, Helen and a temp. The temp was forever changing, so I don’t remember their names  - but one of a number of changeable temps. Ian had very long hair, tied back in a ponytail. his hair was quite greasy and it was slicked back. He was  29 and had hoped to be a pop-star. but now, like me, he was working as an office clerk in the bank, sorting the correspondence For The stocks and shares. For me it’s the job I was doing after school and before I found a place at university and for Ian it was what he was doing before he went to get a real job as a failed pop-star, unless of course one day he did become a great star. I guess I’ll never know. Helen only had one kidney and she always had a cushion on her chair. she like to smoke very strong cigarettes Rothmans. and at that time in 1990 smoking was allowed inside office buildings, inside your place of work. there was...

 Commuting home on the train When I had just turned 18 I took a job in the city of London. it was working for a bank sorting, as an office clerk, the correspondence for stocks and shares. my building on the old broad Street was next to the NatWest Tower which is such a tall building that my office did not get light from the sunshine until four in the afternoon when the sun made it around the corner of the net West Tower through my window on the seventh floor of my own building. I would commute  on the train from home for an hour each way on the aleways crowded train. every seat was full and all the standing areas taken by people standing on the hourly commute in and out of London for work each and every day. this is all I knew. my parents were both commuters and travelled in this exact same way as long as I could remember. and I knew no better and I know no different. and this is what everybody did. one day on the train home from work A young man offered me his seat. I was emb...

 The walk in the dream Last night I had a dream I was walking home from work had been a very long days work like 24 hours of 36 hours or something and it wasn’t just late it’s long past light wasn’t just 4 in the morning but 4 o’clock the next morning and I was leaving work. other people were getting a cab home after I’d been a very long day but I didn’t feel entitlement to a cab so I walked. it was a 30 minute walk after a very long day and it seemed to take forever and other people were going to restaurants and getting dinner and those that were getting cabs were getting them paid for by the company and I walked a long painful walk back dragging my right foot. My right foot turned over so I’m dragging it on the top like I had a disability in the leg and it seems impossibly hard and unfair, but right for me because of my lack of entitlement. I was also wearing some kind of plastic over myself in the way that new furniture has plastic on it to keep it clean or something new you buy...

 The girl on the train Oh I don’t know I did a degree in biochemistry at Salford same as you. I took my final final on my 22nd birthday.  then I got a job doing chemical analyses in a lab at a water company. I was 23. then I started doing research for the same company in addition to the analyses. and then I was promoted to supervisor of the laboratory technicians that were doing the chemical analyses I used to do, Plus also managing the ISO 9001 quality system the documentation and control of that system and auditing and the research at two sites. then I moved to training laboratory technicians for a second water company and training that second water company to do the research. Additionally that second water company bought the original company I worked for and I was responsible for calculating the costs and value of the company and the scientific work we did, which resulted In a big advantage in the sale of that company; they made a saving of 50% of the expected cost due to m...

 Interview thoughts Yesterday I had an interview with Lincolnshire county council it was Kevin Brian and Zara. Kevin works for the council bryan works for the regional adoption agency and Zara is a lecturer at university who has adopted two girls The position is a performance support officer which does data analysis using Excel. The first question was asked was why have I applied for the job why would I want the job. And I answered that I have a talent for analysing data both qualitative and quantitated teasing out of it information that can be used to make decisions and to inform and also that working for the adoption agency meant I would be doing the work for somewhere meaningful rather than for example my previous post was for a water company and while water is very meaningful it doesn’t have the same passion that working putting children into forever homes that need a home would have. There Was silence and a confused look so I think maybe this wasn’t the right answer but I’m go...

 Criminal police It is known that many police officers commit crimes and I have been told by the highest authority at the police station the most senior police officer available in a special appointment especially for him to do this that they require police officers to commit crimes because they “need to represent the society they serve”, so there needs to be a representative number of criminals in the police force and that is their official line and yes it disgusts me But this blog is not about the deliberate criminals in the police force employed deliberately to represent society. It is actually about the criminality of the work they do officially, the bit that people approval of. so ,following on from sanction, I’m saying that these crimes are sanctioned by society, by the government by our choice. so you take Jeremy Bamber he murdered 5 members of his family for the inheritance. because the police are incompetent he very nearly got away with it and it’s that incompetence that I...

 Sanctioned The case of a man that died at 100 years old who was most recently trialed for sexually abusing and raping children when he was 97 years old but had been tried for the same offence many times in his life underlines the perception, if not simply evidences the fact, that sexual abuse and rape of children is sanctioned by the UK government. When I was raped as a little girl I spoke to a number of people to report it. in fact I spoke to everyone who would listen to report it. the police did come to my school to talk to me and they decided they would do nothing. Childline decided they would do nothing. I even spoke to the Samaritans and citizens advice bureau and they also did nothing. I reported these offences repeatedly through my life because deep down it feels like it’s wrong to rape children and yet every authority sanctions it, says it’s okay  - that is to say they dismiss it and behave as if it is so sanctioned and okay by the actions of doing nothing about it. O...